Leadership Skills No One Talks About 

Leadership is a king of buzzwords and has been ever since…the start of time, probably. If you search Google for the word leadership, you get all kinds of advice. From multiple definitions to numbered lists of key leadership qualities to yet additional numbered lists of how to lead better. There’s entire degree tracks, certifications, books, and other qualifications to prepare people to lead.

When I was going through school and figuring out how to get my first job after college, I was told that I should tell my interviewer that part of my 5 year plan is to “lead people”. Sure, I’ll say anything to get hired! (What college kid has a 5 year plan when they really just need to figure out how to pay rent first?)

If you’ve ever had a bad boss, you know that not everyone should be, or wants to be, a leader. For the people that do want to lead or lead better, let’s talk about what that really means. 

Let’s talk about the stuff people usually leave out of those fancy certifications. 

Here’s a question: Is anyone asking how to lead themselves better before they jump head first into leading others?

Hot take: You can’t lead others if you can’t lead yourself well.

What do I mean? Let’s dive in.

Become a Better Leader by Starting with You

If you’ve studied or read about leadership, you’ll likely note that it talks about having emotional intelligence, discipline, decision making skills, and the list goes on. From situational leadership, to transformational leadership, having strong decision-making skills, communication skills, and problem-solving savvy to guide and motivate your team members. 

When I got my MBA, the program highlighted its focus on developing leaders and leadership skills. This sort of stuff is everywhere. It’s not necessarily wrong, but I think it goes a layer deeper. A really important layer we need to talk about. 

Part two of my earlier question is this – how can we lead other people and help them master these traits if we aren’t practicing to master them ourselves?

If you’re in a position of leadership or seeking leadership positions where ever you are, what are you learning to steward the responsibility of that type of role?

Now, I’m not saying we have to be perfect in order to lead. We are always learning, growing, and adapting. What I am saying is that there needs to be some baseline – strong fundamentals – before we can expect to lead other people. Or at least lead them well. 

Here’s an example – as a leader, you make requests of your team. You make difficult decisions that you need to communicate and then remain adaptable in times of crisis. People look to you as their mentor and stakeholders look to you as an agile pioneer who can make decisions accurately. 

Phew, sounds like a lot. Where does all of this even start? With you. 

You don’t pick up and set down the role of a leader. You’re a leader when you wake up, brush your teeth, pick your kids up from school, and when you grow your business. 

You are a leader regardless of the size of your title. 

If you lead – or want to lead – you must be able to lead yourself well, first. Otherwise, no one will follow you. Would you follow you?

I wouldn’t ask someone to show up at a specific time and place and then proceed to be upset if I couldn’t be held accountable to be on time, consistently, myself. I also can’t ask someone to take the approach of first seeking to understand someone else’s point of view before getting defensive if I’m unable to model emotional maturity myself.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Leadership Style – Be More than a Title

Oftentimes, I notice people, my younger self included, yearn for a title because it comes with a nice pay check and the opportunity to rub shoulders with the “important” people. Many times, those “important” people are good leaders and they are in that position for a reason. (Hold that scoff, let me be optimistic here.)

Other times, and I know we have all experienced this, there are people with the title who should not be in that role. Perhaps they have the emotional capacity of a kindergartener when it comes to managing conflict. (Clarification: Kindergarteners are cool. Adults who have not graduated from kindergarten are not cool).

We all have faults, and we all make mistakes. Part of leading that isn’t taught in those management skills classes is having grace for one another and ourselves. This means not focusing on what went wrong but partnering to smooth the blunders and help one another along the way of being better.

Part of leadership is failure. All of the books and courses will teach you that leaders must learn to be resilient, develop high levels of trust within the organization, and have the ability to motivate and inspire their teams. These are all soft skills – it comes through interacting with people, listening, and making mistakes.

It takes self-awareness to get there, and it takes a willingness to have open communication with the people around you – your team, your peers, your clients – the people who can give you feedback. You might be born a leader, but you need to have a way to develop that gift continuously. Once you have a title, the learning doesn’t stop (this is where many leaders fail).  

Don’t wait for a title – or a bigger title – before you start leading yourself. The title does not magically bestow knowledge onto you like it does in the movies. You do not need the world to qualify you as a leader, and leadership looks different for everyone. Lead your life, your calendar, and your relationships well. That way, when you do get a title or an accolade, you’re well practiced and can continue to develop.

So what are these non-negotiable skills that no one really talks about?

Non-Negotiable Leadership Skills

I’ve talked a lot about leading yourself before leading others. A big reason for this is because to develop trust, you have to be trustworthy. In order to develop resilient teams, you have to model it to the people you’re leading. 

Here’s the skills you need to have and how to start doing them:

• Understand and manage your emotions. I did not say – do not have emotions – that is not reality. What I mean is that you need to understand what triggers you and how you can control and manage your response. Emotions might be automatic and having a visceral response is a real thing, but that doesn’t mean your response needs to mirror that. This takes practice, but just like when we practice a skill or hobby, we get better and better. The interactions with people on the other side of us usually follow suit.   

• • How to do this:
    • Notice and acknowledging your triggers – are there things that really get under your skin? How do you respond when that happens? How can you think before you respond?
    • Set Boundaries – once you know what triggers you, put some guardrails in place. For example, if you’re allergic to nuts, you probably don’t keep them at your house. The same thing goes for emotional triggers. Think about how you can create environments that reduce the chance of them occurring. That way, when they do happen, your nerves aren’t fried, and you can handle the situation better.

• Commit. That does not mean say yes to everything and fill your plate to the point where things start falling off. Let your yes be your yes and your no be your no. Whatever you say yes to, see it through, and don’t say yes to so many things that you can’t follow through to see the “thing” completed. Don’t say yes just to appease someone either because no one likes a flake, not even you. This allows you to build trust in your own accountability, show others you are trustworthy, and helps you hold other people accountable because you can then guide them through the journey.  

• • How to do this:
    • Audit your bandwidth – have you cancelled something last minute lately, and if yes, why? Do you feel overwhelmed by the commitments you’ve made, and if yes, why? 
    • Make adjustments – How can you delegate or adjust your schedule to better manage your commitments?

• Be disciplined. This does not mean rigidly following a routine that is unbreakable. It simply means to decide to do something, stick to it, and reflect on its impact. I’ll give you an example. When I was commuting into the office for work 5 days a week (yes, pre-pandemic), I would pack my breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Outside of wanting to save money, I had a deep desire to eat clean. In order to do that, I needed to be mindful of how I was setting myself up for success in an area that was important to me. The feedback loop I created was a positive one that I felt really good about, and it make me stick to it. I was committed (see #2) to my health and therefore I had a routine that complemented that commitment. (I talk about good habits in this post if you need some tips!) 

• • How to do this:
    • Get clear on what you care about – if you care about something, you will likely do what you need to do to keep it front and center. If you care about your kids, you’ll make sure you spend time with them. It’s the same thing with discipline. You have to care about the results to do what it takes to get them.
    • Establish a process – put something in place that keeps you accountable and makes this discipline easier. Don’t rely on your memory – set reminders, put it in your calendar, or tell a friend to follow up with you. You can do this thing!

Your Approach to Leadership is Uniquely Yours

To wrap it up really simply: start with yourself so the asks that you have of others aren’t things you can’t uphold on your end. It doesn’t stop when you get a title, a big paycheck, or fancy accolades. Don’t let those really awesome and hard earned external rewards replace the ongoing, internal work. Leadership is a journey, not a destination.

This means you have all of the autonomy in the world to design leadership in the way that suits you! Your leadership approach, the environment that you create, and the culture you cultivate can all be designed by you. 

You can be the kind of leader you decide to be. By sticking to the 3 skills I outlined above, you will become more effective in leading everything – yourself, your life, your relationships, and especially your business. People will notice, and I bet you will motivate and inspire others on their own journey. If there are things you want to see in your business, remember that leaders set the culture, expectations, and model the behavior that becomes accepted. 

You can do this!