Saying No to Others is Hard

The question comes and your palms start to sweat, your stomach knots a little, and you try to hold your best poker face. Your brain is saying “just say no!”, but your stomach won’t let you. Saying no used to be my worst nightmare. Now I welcome it – crazy right? You will to.

Saying no to someone is really hard, especially when we say no without a reason. If you’re thinking it’s nearly impossible to say no without feeling bad, especially to that business partner who is also a friend, I’ve got you covered. 

It’s an Art

Saying no is not as black and white as some would think. There’s a lot of context that goes into why someone may respond with a yes when they really wanted to say no. For example, you may take on extra work on that project because you know your coworker is having a tough time at home. Or you may say yes to that partnership to give your friend  business partnership they really need. 

All of these are valid examples, but letting it go unchecked is the challenge. Honestly sometimes we all just say yes because we feel bad for saying no.

Figuring out when and how to say no will come with practice and seeing how other people do it. Adopt your own style through trying different things. Some people are more assertive while others are deeply empathetic. 

Know that no single way is the “right” way, and that’s why this is more of an art. 

Why is It So Hard to Say No?

The guilt is real. You like to help people, you want to keep the peace, and you know if the roles were reversed, you’d want someone to say yes to you. It’s not always someone asking you to do something – there’s also the invite to the event. Talk about fomo.

You know the sinking feeling on the evening of the event where you want to find an excuse not to go. “Thanks so much for the invite, but something came up!” Sound familiar?

You want to be seen as favorable by other people (some might call this a people pleaser, but that’s not all bad). It’s a part of our nature as people, and that’s okay. We want to be liked – we’re likable people. 

Wanting to be liked at the detriment of everything else – your sanity for one – is not worth it. It’s easy to say, “just say no” to the extra work if you’re burnt out or to the dinner on Friday when you’ve had a jam packed week. It’s not that easy because we involve our emotions. We make exceptions the norm. 

It’s worth acknowledging all of this so you can pinpoint the breakdown of why you say yes when we really mean no. By doing that, you can begin to see the trigger points a mile away instead of having to push deadlines, renegotiate contracts, or cancel last minute. 

Life is too short to do everything last minute. Make a decision and commit to it. Let that be your standard, not the exception. 

What Saying No Does For You

Saying no makes your yes stronger. What do I mean? I’m glad you asked.

When you say no to something, it allows you to fully focus on what you have said yes to.

An example would be that you know you are mentoring 3 up and coming leaders within your organization. You can spend time with them, coach them in a meaningful way, and have plenty of time for your own work and self care. Taking on more mentees would mean that you would need to shift your limited time in some way, so your full yes to that initial list becomes a little less ‘yessy’. Either your mentees lose out, or you lose out. Not to mention your new mentees would lose out because your bandwidth is tighter.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Your power dynamic with yourself is off balance my friend. But you can re-balance it now.

Other practical things that your ‘no’ gives you are

• Protecting time for deep work. How often do you say you don’t have enough time to think? Take a look at what you’re saying no, and yes, to.
• Safeguarding energy, drive and health from depletion. You’re not a robot, sorry. You need rest – physically, mentally, and emotionally. Why? Because it allows you to show up fully for your ‘yes’.
• Aligning your zone of genius with strategic partnerships and passion projects. You actually have time to focus fully on the things you care about and that energize you. 
• Scaling your business sustainably by only taking on what you can commit to fully. Instead of 20 goals for the quarter and getting half way through your list, think about committing fully to a smaller number, and doing those things exceptionally. 

Setting Boundaries for Your No and Your Yes

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means you’re self-aware enough to know what you can do and can’t do at any given time. Your bandwidth is a limited resource, and it expands and contracts. There will be times where you have to say no more than yes, and that’s okay! 

In their book, “The Power of No”, James and Claudia Altucher list out an entire personal Bill of Rights. One of those is, “you have the right to be honest, above all, with yourself”. You might be in a really busy season of. your life and need to prioritize in a way that doesn’t allow you to be available to everyone, all of the time. You can decline a request without feeling guilty or any other negative emotion because you are being real with yourself. Aligning your responses to the things that are important to you are going to reduce your anxiety and stress. 

Another one of the rules in this Bill of Rights is, “you have the right to an abundant and filled life”. If you have a hard time saying no, ask yourself if what you would agree to is aligned with the abundant and full life ahead of you. If it’s not, then you do not have to say yes to it. 

Setting boundaries is really hard, but this Bill of Rights is a great place to start. Use it in your personal life, your work situations, and anytime you are trying to say no but are struggling. It takes practice, but you got this! 

What are some other ways to start saying no?

Tips on How To Say No

Be Honest

Assess your capacity, your bandwidth, and any other resources required. If it doesn’t work, don’t say yes. If you say yes when you really mean no, you will perpetuate the cycle, and no one will be happy. Here are some examples:

• “Honestly, I can’t commit to this right now.”
• “I appreciate your invite, but I have to pass this time. Let’s raincheck for a few weeks from now.”
• “Thanks for considering me for this opportunity, but I’ve evaluated my options, and this is not something I can accept right now.”

Be Clear

Clear is kind, have you ever heard this? Don’t beat around the bush and sheepishly say maybe or if only xyz. If you can’t accept, don’t want to, or just plain need to say no to something, do so directly. It doesn’t have to be mean or rude, but it does need to be final. If it lingers, that’s a gateway for unnecessary feelings of guilt and negativity. Avoid these phrases:

• “Maybe…”
• “Umm, well, if only…”
• “I’m not sure”

Be Grateful

Depending on your situation, express gratitude when appropriate. For example, if you’re asked to speak at an event but have to decline for whatever reason, you can say no but be grateful for the opportunity. If people know you are appreciate the consideration, they’ll share other opportunities with you knowing that you may be available in the future.  You saw an example of this above, but here are a couple more:

• “I’m honored that you would consider me for…, however…”
• “Thank you for inviting me, but I need to take a rain check. Please continue to invite me since my availability changes!”

Offer an Alternative

You may be able to offer an alternative to the ‘asker’, depending on the ask. If this person is looking for a resource, if they need project coverage, or whatever else, you can say no while not deflecting but offering something useful. For the people pleasers out there (I see you), this one’s for you. It’s a great way to offer help without actually having to commit (I’m not talking about never committing. I’m saying when you really can’t say yes). Here’s some examples:

• “I’m not able to cover for you, but have you reached out to Sarah? She may be able to help you.”
• “I can’t be there, but I know Jon has some availability and loves that sort of thing. You should check with him.”
• “I can’t help right now, but have you checked the third floor? Sometimes I see it floating around there.”

PS:

You do not have to explain your why if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. Notice how I didn’t give a reason in any of the examples above? Because it’s a muscle we all have to practice. This can be the hardest part of saying no especially because of how the other person might respond. It doesn’t feel great to not receive a justification when being told no, but don’t let this intimidate you. If the situation is appropriate, you can offer an alternative time, scenario, or resource. 

Welcome to Yes

You’ve done it my friend! You’re on your way to stronger commitments, greater focus, and more freedom. It’ll take some getting used to and some practice, but you are about to notice a big difference. Let your ‘no’ be no, and your ‘yes’ be yes. Commit to yourself to honor your own time by not over committing, or cancelling last minute. Make the decision up front, and stick to it, especially when it’s uncomfortable. You can do it – this community is rooting for you!